i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I enjoy the company of your penis
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