bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
