P.S. I can't hear my feet
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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