I am spending my child support on dildos
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
