Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
