what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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