I wish my penis had an off switch
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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