Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
