jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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