I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
