haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I am available for nakedness
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
