I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
