There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
