My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
