So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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