i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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