I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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