Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Is Oprah even human
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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