I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
