I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
