Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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