I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
