I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
