summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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