If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
