I just made out with a guy for $7.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
we made out on top of his cat.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
