he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
pray to the hookup gods
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
