i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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