is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
