Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
