all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
