Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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