She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
