remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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