Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Holy shit dude........stairs
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
