even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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