Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
