I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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