I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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