I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
