Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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