I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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