I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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