why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
