Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
