Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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