The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
