this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
