The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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