Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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