its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
