my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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