im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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