The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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