so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
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I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
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When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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