hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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