I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
