answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
