she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
