HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
